Doing Spaghetti with Style

Andre Bshara  

While you’re eating a bowl of this stuff, expect to get a little something on you. As you try to keep this food from falling off your fork, it’s almost impossible not to soil your brand new white t-shirt with some sauce. The food that I’m talking about, possibly one of the most entertaining foods to eat, is spaghetti. Spaghetti with meatballs is a go-to meal for many chefs, but you can prepare your spaghetti in so many other ways. Notice that none of these methods make eating spaghetti cleaner. In fact, they create a very chaotic dish.

If you’re in the right mood, getting messy with spaghetti is, strangely, fun. The getting down and dirty portion of your meal should occur during, what I like to call, the “slurpation” process. Quite self-explanatory, slurpation is when you vacuum up pieces of spaghetti one strand at a time. While you do this, the tail end of the pasta hanging from your mouth tends to swing back and forth—the faster you slurp, the more violent the swing. Slurp with caution, if you’re a little girl. I’ve heard of some people going through great measures to avoid getting messy. These measures usually involve putting a napkin on their laps and even cutting up the pasta into smaller, more controllable pieces. Although I can’t bash these people’s livelihoods, I can tell them to loosen up a bit. Have some fun—get some food on your clothes.

Some people put ketchup on their spaghetti, though I don’t understand it. If you want more tomato, add more sauce, which has ingredients to make the spaghetti better. Better yet, get a hot dog and put ketchup on that if you love ketchup so much.

Personally, I like garlic bread with my pasta. And no, I don’t eat it like a high-class woman who is afraid of anything slightly unsanitary. I make a spaghetti-garlic bread sandwich. I usually end up licking sauce off of my hands, just because I don’t want to waste any. By doing this, I use one less napkin, and I get more sauce in my belly, benefiting both nature and my mental state. Get at me.

If you’re feeling pretty crazy, then you may follow in the footsteps of Buddy the Elf from the famous Christmas movie, “Elf.” Make it a savory and sweet experience by adding Pop-Tarts, chocolate syrup, and any variation of candy you can think of to your noodles. If you’re wild enough to try this, then you probably won’t mind eating it with your hands. And while you’re doing that, put on an elf’s suit and some green tights. That’ll make you feel ridiculous.